Talking to Self:
Part 1: Fear Fields
Person: I guess I admit it, I do really want to be picked. I want to be his absolute favorite. Not in such a way that he can have people entertain him in between him and me, but so much so that he can’t let anyone else near him because I’m so much his favorite. I want him() to pick me and only me. I don’t know why there are genuinely people who don’t need this and maybe they got it in another lifetime and in this life that question is answered for them already, but I need that question answered now. Why can’t I be your favorite. Why can’t you just pick me. Why am I trying to force a human symbol()l to give me this answer. And why can’t I just have him. To myself. And I’m embarrassed I turned him off to me. I’m embarrassed I needed him and he knew it. And I’m embarrassed that he didn’t want me to need him. I love him so much.
What is it I want. I want him to love me and choose me. I want to be so special and I can’t figure out how. I can’t figure out any of this in my head. I seem to be becoming more and more confused instead of finding any clarity. Is it such an obvious answer that I’m literally running circles around it to avoid it?
No matter how strong and big I get, this is still the only thing that seems bigger than me. I guess because it’s the biggest unknown I have yet to explore.
Self: Because your biggest “fear” is just a negative connotation you are putting on the greatest unknown in your life, which really just means the biggest visible part of yourself that you are viewing and therefore seeing as outside of yourself. You see it as outside of yourself because you have yet to KNOW it, although you have created it prior to experientially perceiving it.
The greatest fear you have won’t leave you alone because it is the greatest unknown to you. It is the thing, the only thing, bigger than you. You see it as scary because you see it as other than yourself, not OF yourself and therefore fundamentally unpredictable. It is only an unexplored creation. It can only seem as a threat so long as it is being experienced as “other” to you, outside of you. It’s always the fear of expansion; the preference, really, not to expand in this now, that is keeping you from facing this ‘fear’.
This is because, once it is being experienced, perceived, it is now CLEARLY the self, clearly shown to be part of the self because you have now merged with it via your perceptual tools; senses, feelings, ideas. A merging, or rather a realization of inherent oneness, is happening when you steer your perceptual intake mechanism into the direction of the “fear field” that thing which you are creating the illusion of being outside of you. You line yourself up with it, face to face, you with the energy (the “fear”), and start to feel all the feelings that are a part of it, associated with it, let it all in, into your nose, mouth, your ears, fingers, hands, toes, body, eyes, third eye, brain and thoughts, feelings and ideas. It becomes you. Do you see this so-called ‘process’ by which this “thing” you have perceived to be outside of you and feared, how it becomes you, or how you allow yourself to recognize it as yourself? (You cannot perceive what you are not the vibration of!) It becomes you, integrates into you using one layer as a channel into the next moving through the membranes of your outer and inner selves.
This is why we have fears: to keep us from accepting BEING that thing that we fear. As long as we fear it, we can perceive it as ‘other’, but as soon as we face it, look at it, we MUST feel it, taste it, experience it and as we are experiencing it we are, as a SYNONYM of experiencing it, becoming it- in other words merging with it. Your senses are merely the channels through which you identify more of yourself through the membrane of your individuality nucleus and out into your entire created organism.
If you are not ready to expand you do not look into a fear field because it is the biggest thing you are currently pretending is not you, the biggest part of yourself you are denying and saying ‘no’ to; hiding from, hating, rejecting, forsaking, denying.
God never does this. (God) We are the sense of yourself who is denying none of yourself and just for now you are avoiding some parts of all of yourself, but that’s OK. When you choose to pay this thing attention you are in essence validating it, you are in essence saying you will merge with it. You are now ready to merge with it. Wherever your attention is, there you are…literally! Your “attention” is you. Whatever you pay attention to is what you are.
You choose to pay attention and that is another way to say that your perceptual intake channels are hooking into that thing (the fear field) for you to transport it into the you that you are exclusively recognizing as you, through these channels. For instance, your eyes are the channels through which you are acknowledging or pulling in the visual translation of this unknown part of you. Your ears are allowing the transfer of sound wave particles into those receptor sites inside you in this reflective facet of you. This is why every moment of looking and being seen, moving and being moved, sending and receiving, every simple unsophisticated seeming moment and movement is beautiful and what you would call sexual or erotic because it is a receptor site of one ‘thing’ that views itself as separate, opening itself up and allowing itself to receive the impression of the other part of itself which is yourself just as much, but you are labeling it ‘the unknown’ or a fear, until you allow the breakdown of the barrier you have formed to define yourself as separate.
It continuously wants your attention because it is yourself and you have told yourself, (this ‘part’ of yourself) that you are banished as this facet of yourself. You have banished this expression of yourself, from yourself, calling a facet of your own self, a member of your own body, NOT your own body. So of course it wants your attention.
Until you admit it is you again, it will ask for your attention. Literally though. Not as a metaphor. Your senses are the secret trap doors of you as an ego identity (i.e. you as an individual person). Through them-any of them that you have learned to use- including those outside of the physical 5 senses, the barriers of your ego identity are opened up to further layers of you.
Senses are the tunnels interconnecting you to different layers of you just like a tunnel underground could connect between different states in the same country.
The whole model is you, but you’ve almost entirely nucleized yourself into a central dense formation (i.e. you as an ‘individual’ ego person) and you build this formation like a shell to keep some of you in one compartment and the rest of you in another compartment, just like if you submerged an empty bottle into a pool of water, you will not start to see the water that flows into the bottle as separate water from the pool as a whole and nor can you reason that you are separate from the rest of yourself. There is not less water because it is flowing into a submerged vessel. The body of water as a whole remains the same essentially, only filling a different shape with part of its entirety.
Let’s say you’re a pool of water. Your name is pool. You’re a pool of water. You want to try something. You dip a bottle into yourself to see how you feel filling in an empty vessel…you will not have felt that ‘that part of me that inhabited the bottle was no longer me while in the bottle’, would you? No. No more than you can reason that your whole self expresses itself through you as a human and is therefore no longer yourself in total. You are still all of that.
So bring it back to a fear. If you fear it and you dive into it, you will understand it’s a part of you inhabiting another bottle, go up to it, plug into it. Use your intake channels (senses) as tools to merge with this other field of yourself, that thing can then no longer be perceived as ‘bigger’ than you because it is now felt as intermingling with you. In other words you are admitting to all of yourself that you are all of you, more of all of you, from your perspective, which we all are.
Fear is rooted in the attitude of “I am NOT that thing;” denial. You can force yourself to convince yourself you are not that thing so…
Person: (Interrupting) If I merge with the idea of this "fear" in my mind, can I avoid having to face the physical manifestation of the fear in my actual physical life?
Self: If you view there is a difference, sure.
Person: But I do want the opposite scenario of the one I "fear" to manifest in my real life! (Meaning in my physical life.)
Self: Do you?
Person: Yes, I don’t want it to end like this, on such an inharmonious note. But I’m not going to settle for it the way it is. And I don’t have to!(Becoming defensive.)
Self: You could accept it for what it is and stop hating and blaming and being so unkind to yourself. Then build another one.
Person: Show me.
Self: YourSELF is a mechanism you build to create the make-believe experience that you are separate from yourself and your senses are the tools you built into this mechanism, the channels you installed to let yourself back in- so that you wouldn't have to be stuck in a stagnant illusory experience of separateness.
Until you deal with your big ‘fear’, everything else you decide to experience will just be something you are creating to stand in the way of the fear- to stand in between you and the fear. To keep you distracted from yourself.
Stop creating and using distractions, and quit being one.
(End Part 1)